Last night I was laying in bed, curled up with my cat and on the phone with my fiancé, exhausted from working the closing shift at work. I heaved a fantastic sigh and I said, “I don’t know what it is babe, I’ve just had the blues lately.” And then it dawned on me, “No, I take that back. I don’t have the blues at all; I have the grays.”
You see, to have the blues to have a sadness. Having the grays is so much more complex than that.
Having the grays is like living in a fog. It’s that dormant feeling of being a bystander in your own life. It’s living without really living. It’s simply watching the days go by instead of feeling present in them. It’s a lack of motivation, joy, energy, and power. It is complacency and listlessness.
I can feel the grays sinking in like a predatory fog waiting for me to let it take over. That fog lurks at the edges of the mind, just waiting for its opportunity to come in.
During the past few months, life has dealt me a series of heavy blows. The first couple times I got knocked down, I stood right back up with a smile. That’s what I do, I’m an eternal optimist with a gentle spirit.
The blows kept coming, and I kept standing back up. Only this time, getting on my feet was more of a struggle, and I came up with anger in my heart. I was very angry for a long time– an unfamiliar feeling for me.
When I got tired of being angry I decided to just stop caring. I thought that was the best option. But it turns out that not caring is the first step to letting the grays grab a foothold in your heart.
When you don’t care about anything, you can’t get hurt. That’s the lie I told myself.
The hurt lingers underneath the gray, and it will be there waiting for you when the gray leaves. You have to deal with it eventually.
I was outside with my dog last month and saw the first signs of green outside. I started to feel alive again as the tiniest bit of green pierced through the gray in my heart. That day I wrote in my journal:
Watching the grass turn from brown to green has been helping. I can smell, see, and hear life all around out there. There’s this unique scent that Spring has as everything starts coming back to life. It smells like earth.
The birds are bringing back their songs, and squirrels are climbing in the trees.Snow has melted into water, and the water gives life– it slowly makes everything green again.
Green is starting to become my favorite color. It symbolizes life, hope, and nature. I feel myself yearning for the natural. I crave openness, fresh air, vibrant life, and green.
It turns out that green is the cure for the grays. All we have to do is see the beauty and the hope in this life, and then cling to it with all of our might. Be present in the beautiful and the broken moments of your life; it’s worth it. Every moment, every devastating blow, the anger, the hope, the resilience, the joy– every moment becomes a part of the story of our lives. And we all have important stories inside of us. Stories that are worth telling, and that are certainly worth living.
It’s a little silly, but when I drive through the country on my way to work I see trees without leaves on them, and my mind whispers, “It’s time for you to wake up soon. Just wait- you’re coming back to life!”
It’s time for me to wake up. I’m coming back to life.